Want to lose weight?

When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you see something that you don't like? Even though this problem probably doesn't exist outside of your head, you probably want to change--especially with 2011 starting.

There's the Atkin's Diet, but Mr. Atkins himself is no longer on it. The South Beach Diet? Jenny Craig and WeightWatchers? Forget it! With MY diet, you don't have to count or pre-plan meals. What's the secret? Fear and harmful microbes! AMAZING! All you have to do? Travel.

Foreign gastronomy is one of the best introductions to a new culture. It can be uncomfortable to try things out of your norm, but it's a great experience and can make for future cocktail stories.

Russia

The harsh and cold Russian winter is no joke. At first, it may seem like you must consume a lot of hearty meat and potato dishes, but do not be fooled. Your body will require a lot of energy to keep your blood circulating (i.e. keep you from freezing to death) and will consume many calories. With the snow so high, transportation is slow and unreliable. The best way to travel is using your legs. The knee-deep snow that blocks all paths provide resistance. You will be exercising without realizing it (or wanting to, for that matter).

Not there in the winter? Not a problem. If you see how meat is sold, fear will be your best friend and you will probably avoid eating anything that was once alive. Russian summers are unbelievably hot and the heat will burn the calories for your body.

Expect to lose 8 lbs in 10 months without trying.

Spain

Consider this diet option as a "cleansing" or "detox" diet.

Upon arrival, drink water from the tap. There's a high chance that your body isn't accustomed to the flora in their water supply. The discomfort only lasts a few days after a night of intestinal explosion. Afterwards, only drink alcoholic beverages such as beer or wine to avoid further contact with waterborne microbes.

Once feeling healthy, eat your heart out. Cities are very pedestrian-friendly and it is pleasant to stroll around. From the gastrointestinal disaster and amount of walking you will do, you are sure to lose weight while still enjoying all the food.

Expect to lose 3 lbs in 1 month.

Thailand

Don't drink bottled water and eat som tam salad at an open market.

Expect to spend 2 weeks on a bathroom floor hovering over a toilet. Results may vary. Warning: risk of death.

***If the information above is not what you're looking for because you need to gain weight, then consider traveling to Argentina.

Argentina

There's no better way to beef up (pun intended) than to chow down on their cattle. Eat everything in sight and every part of animal that is given to you. Don't ask questions about what part of the animal it is because you may lose your appetite and this program will fail. Just eat, eat, eat because everything is delicious.

Order ice cream at least every other day from a local vendor. The ice cream there is heavenly and makes you a better person.

When you're full? Take a siesta. Reward yourself with all that hard work of eating and just take a nap. You don't want to walk around during siesta anyway, there are bikers waiting to rob you outside.

Expect to gain 7 lbs and a rounder face within 6 months.

_________________________________

Note: The diet regimen has not been scientifically proven nor are there any studies. As a training epidemiologist, if you find funding, I can try and put something together to give this program credibility.

Results will vary. I am not liable for any outcomes related to the above diets if you wish to try them.

Made in China

Even things Made in China originated in Spain. Everything with importance came from Spain.

About 30 minutes ago, Diego and his brother, Pablo, began throwing trivial facts about their heritage at me. I am (note the current tense denoting that this is continuing) an innocent bystander taking painful bullets of Spanish pride. Just kidding. The only thing that's painful is the cramp in my side I have from my laughing so hard.

Quoting the two of them:

-Why is it 'Florida' and not "flower?"

-Why is "Sacramento" not "sacrament?"

-Why is "San Francisco" not "Saint Francis?"

-"Colorado?" Hah. It doesn't get more Spanish than that.

-Martin Sheen is really an "Estevéz" and his brother Charlie is "Carlos," of course.

-Rita Hayword was born Margarita.

-The first people to land on America (Florida and Alaska) were Spanish. They just sold it.

-ChupaChups are from Spain and some designwork was done by the famous Dalí.

-Did you ever realize that in all world maps, Spain is in the center of the world? Morocco is, too, but nobody cares.

The following list is what I've learned myself.

The best _____ come from Spain:

-wine and cava ("It's

-oranges (Valencian)

-ceramic (Lladró is Valencian)

-musicians (Rodrigo is also from Valencia)

-walnuts (Diego's grandma says that California's walnuts can't even compare)

-shoes (e.g. Campo. I'll actually agree with this one)

-furniture (never forget that Italians buy the structure from Valencia and upholster it themselves and sell it as their own. Bastards!)

-olive oil

-ham and other meats that I can't import legally into the States

Also, don't forget the soccer team. They won the 2010 World Cup when I was in Russia. I'm grateful that there were only 2 Spaniards in the city at the time, otherwise I would have shot myself in the funny bone. I'm tired of Iniesta; the fact that I remember his name sickens me.

This is real.

No snow here

The first view of Valencia was from a bus, through my sleepy and crusty eyes. I woke up to a sunny city with palm trees and orange trees on the sidewalk. I remember angrily growling at Diego with sweet morning breath, "You are so stupid to live in Samara instead of here." (I don't mean to offend anyone from Samara. I still like it there and will soon return, but not to live.)

In Valencia, they had a river named Turia. This river was bad and made a flood that killed many people in 1957. As punishment, they had it drained and made a park out of it. Orange trees like this are in abundance and line the streets. Don't eat the oranges as they are bitter. Actually, be careful of what you eat unless you have someone to care for you when you're helplessly vomiting on yourself.

A view of the city from a very old, 14th century tower.

I'm not used to being surrounded by buildings, sculptures, or anything that are so old. In Russia, things just looked old. There's nothing in the US that is comparable to this. I don't think we even have ghosts that are that old.

Barely in Barcelona

I went to Barcelona because it was cheaper than flying to Madrid. I studied in Argentina because I wrote "Mendoza" on the line above "Santiago, Chile." This same logic landed me in Russia.

I was content with visiting Barcelona. On the contrary, my Valencian co-traveler was a little bitter.

Diego: Sorry. We are not spending any money here or supporting Barcelona's economy in any way.

Me: Why do we not like Barcelona?

Diego: Because they are (insert translation of explicit Spanish word) Catalonian.

Me: (Rolling my eyes and not my r's)

We spent a couple days in Barcelona. I was able to go sightseeing like I wanted, so I was happy. Diego was happy because I was happy going to parks and walking around (read: free activities).

There aren't many photos of the city because I mainly saw it in the evening. My sleeping schedule was thrown off due to exhaustion from jet lag and a difficult fall semester. Also, being a vampire is a trendy thing now, so it's cooler to walk around at night.

San Francisco's hills do not compare to the giant hill leading to Park Guell. I laughed when I saw outdoor escalators. I stopped laughing because I ran out of breath while climbing it.

A previous post from Moscow showed pictures of inscribed padlocks. Why buy padlocks when you can carve your names on cacti? Poor cacti.

I was perfectly comfortable walking around Park Guell even though it was raining. Why? Because there was a snow storm back home in the US at this time and I was not there.

Some points of interest that shouldn't be missed in Barcelona are the buildings designed by Antonio Gaudí. Watch this documentary that solely focuses on these buildings if you won't be able to come here soon, or if you're too lazy to walk around. They do the walking for you and you can do the looking.

-------------------

Coming from New York, I wasn't surprised to hear Spanish speakers all around me. Sure, the accent is distinct, but the language was no different than what I hear back home. What did shock me was that all of the signs were in Catalan, not Spanish. I stand by what I said before, Montreal was a bigger cultural shock for me.

"Yo no compro pan"

For those keen on the Spanish language, you understand that the title translates to "I don't buy bread." On a visit to France, my Spanish significant other and his brother were instructed to repeat the phrase if a French person asked him something. It's a clever mnemonic to say, "I don't understand [French]" or, je ne comprends pas.

I didn't go to France. I took a weekend trip to Montreal, Canada, which is conveniently located a few hours from the New York Capital Region.

As sarcastic as this may sound to some, crossing the border was accompanied with quite a dose of culture shock. Driving through the mountains and rural counties of upstate New York was shocking enough, but I was quite surprised to see that road signs and radio stations were posted and broadcast in an unfamiliar French. Both French and English are spoken in Montreal, but everything was overwhelmingly French (albeit French-Canadian). Canada is (more or less) the first country I have visited where I didn't really know the language.

My excitement for a foreign, French-filled weekend in the French Quarters was quickly extinguished when I learned that the hostel receptionist was from Spain. Of course.

Just kidding. Many great things come from Spain (as I will sarcastically note in a future post).

Highlights of the weekend, more photos can be found on my Facebook page in the album "Your breath smells like poutine":

The Jean Talon market had fresh, colorful crops and a variety of food. Unfortunately, you can't legally cross the US-Canadian border with meat or vegetables. It was a shame that I couldn't bring the bison meat over. Lucky for me, I found a kilogram of buckwheat (gretchka) to bring home as a souvenir to remember my life in Russia.

A large part of traveling is trying new cuisine. I find it extremely stressful to do in a short period of time. People said that we had to try the crepes, poutine, this restaurant, that bar, and so on. I won't lie--stress tasted delicious.

Montreal is known for this dish, poutine. It is everything I love on a plate: crunchy french fries topped with creamy cheese curds and a rich, gravy sauce. We ordered it with sauteed onions and ground beef on top. Finishing this dish may leave us finished on a cardiac hospital one day, but I certainly enjoyed it (up to a certain point).

Besides the food, landmarks, and clubs that people suggested to us, one thing I learned too late was that almost everyone who drives to Montreal leaves with a speeding ticket. The photo above was the first photo taken in Montreal. It's a driving school and I thought it looked funny. On my way home, I may have been going a little bit faster than the posted speed limit because the roads were empty. A state trooper saw me first. I did not have the last laugh, of course.

NOTE: Follow the speed limit posted because the laws of physics always win. Also, if you are going to have poutine, a "regular" portion should suffice for two people.

Good news for Snow White

Going to an orchard to pick your own fruits are good, wholesome fun activities that cleanse your soul and liver after an action-packed weekend.

The Russian winter had me on my knees and begging for spring. I was allergic to spring and wished for summer. Samara's summer was boiling hot this year and I was aching for fall. Fall is here and I couldn't be happier.

Fall is a special season. Many people describe the air as "crisp and cool." I know that it's fall because there's a special fresh, dewy smell when you walk out first thing in the morning. No high definition could ever capture the brilliant colors of New York trees in fall. I've missed this fall for the past three years. Today, I gave autumn a bear hug and went apple picking with my new classmates-turned-friends.

Autumn didn't return the hug.

Our plan for an exciting apple-picking jubilee was quickly extinguished when we saw a sign telling us that there would be no more apple-picking for the day. Not all was lost because they picked the apples for us and sold a bunch in their farmer's market. I'm not complaining because they picked the good apples.

Nature and gravity also stole the apples from us. As public health students, we are ready to serve the public. I figured that we could put the apples back on the trees so that other people could pick them.

That plan to replace the apples onto the trees surprisingly didn't work out too well.

Fortunately, this farm had a petting-zoo of soft (but smelly) animals to distract customers from the fact that there were no more apples left on the trees for the week. I also learned that there are other well-educated adults cannot correctly or confidently identify different types of farm animals.

Below: Popular fall crops sold at their farmer's market.

Adventure in Americaland

While living in Russia, I learned so much about Russian culture. Makes sense. I concurrently learned about Spanish culture, history, their influence on American history and that they have a high quality of furniture** and shoes.

Meet Diego. He is from Spain. He lives in Russia and spreads the language of his glorious country. Diego came to America for the very first time. He is a man very proud of his heritage and country. During this visit, part of my goal was to prove how great my country is. This is his story.

There are a lot of foreigners--immigrants and tourists alike--in America. To witness the very first moments of a landing on our soil is very special. By special, I mean absolutely humorous. Because he was only here for a short time, I had to pack a lot of America into ten days. The following is a recap of things that made an impression on him:

-A school bus. That was the first thing that caught his eye. He was amused that we actually have a yellow bus that goes around "collecting" students to go to school.

-Nightlife. He was kind of annoyed with the dress codes with some places. The first night, my friends took us to a bar that was very reminiscent of a college party, as seen in popular films. He noted that our population of 'Jersey Shore' characters are very similar to the people in Valencia.

We don't know who these people are but it was taken in a NYC bar. This is embarrassing, isn't it?

-Albany. Please understand that New York City is a city within New York State. Albany is the state capital. Diego was very shocked to see how dangerous Albany is. I was also very shocked to see how dangerous Albany is. One wrong turn is all it takes.

Beautiful brownstone houses off Lark Street in downtown Albany. This is part of the safer side of Albany as we've been told.

-Home security. Rather, the lack of home security compared to Russian and Spanish homes. My windows are locked, but aren't barred or have barbed wires on them. Although I have a sliding door (for example) with a bar that prevents people from opening it, he was not convinced that it would deter robbers. I have two locks on my front door, but for him, it doesn't compare to having a billion locks like in Russia. He was very jumpy for the first few hours in my apartment.

-Suburbia. This just doesn't exist elsewhere. He was surprised how many houses we have because he is used to people living in flats on top of each other. He was also in shock with how many cars we have in the US.

For some reason, it was amusing to him that some businesses and offices are run in buildings that look like houses. My college roommate still finds it strange that some doctors and dentists run their practices from their homes.

This is a view from the Corning Tower's observation deck in Albany, NY. We are looking towards the east over the Hudson River. Diego wants to show his friends that we have highways that are shaped like this.

-Demographics. He knows that the majority of my friends are immigrants or offspring of immigrants, but he didn't really expect so many "non-Americans" living here.

My American friends. Besides Diego, this also excludes Avani (lower left). She was naturalized.

There was a sign in Russian at the tiger exhibit at the Bronx Zoo. The only tiger I saw in Samara was at the local zoo. That tiger did not look like he had the strength to do anything.

-Everyone speaks Spanish. That was annoying in proving a point. He said, "Spain doesn't need to come here to conquer your country because our former colonies already are." He was referring to the Hispanic population.

A moving truck in the Bronx most likely owned by Spanish-speakers. He found this hilarious. I found it hilarious that the front was decorated with American flags.

-American weddings are extravagant and super expensive.

We went to my cousin's wedding. There, he witnessed a room full of Asians, the electric slide, and cocktail hour. Congratulations to Bert and Maricel. Hooray!

-People are generally nice here. Store clerks, gas attendants, and other service workers are much more pleasant to deal with.

-Toys 'R' Us is an American company. It made sense when he realized that the name is in English.

Cindy and Diego in the Times Square Toys 'R' Us store. His expression is very similar to the one I took of my dog when I dressed her up as a pirate. Not happy.

-Go Diego Go! is a popular character. My nephew actually prefers him over me. Fact.

Souvenirs

I'm not one to judge because from Russia, I brought desserts, bacon flavored chips, tea and cookies as souvenirs. Besides the usual t-shirts and shot glasses he bought as souvenirs, he brought home (for his mommy and the rest of his family):

-Ziploc bags. Spanish technology hasn't caught up yet with the zipping feature.

-Sink drain catcher. For the kitchen because it's brilliant.

-Pop-tarts. Chocolate fudge flavored. He got hooked after I took him to he Pop-Tarts store in NYC.

-Granola bars.

-Pill organizer cases with the days of the week and times.

It's one thing to have an experience in the US, but nothing tops it off better than being knighted with a 'Bronx name.' I've never heard anything like this before, but that's because I'm not hip. I convinced Diego to buy a CD from some kid promoting his work on the streets.

Apparently, 'D-Boogie' is a cooler name than Diego.

**Italian furniture isn't really "Italian" because the smart Italians buy the constructed furniture frames from Spain and upholster it themselves, therefore passing it as Italian. Interpret this piece of information as you'd like.