No money, no honey

Europe had a not-so-great fiscal year. Sorry. Spain is going through a tough economic crisis as well. What a shame. I think it's distasteful to make jokes, but it's what happens when America is cooler than Spain (see link).

This is one peseta. Pesetas are no longer in use. A Russian kopeek is probably worth more.

I will be bold enough to say that this Monopoly game (Madrid version, 1992) is worth more than a peseta.

Monopoly was played in pesetas. Although I lost all three games of Monopoly, I can proudly/shamefully say that I had more money during the game than I do in real life, even when accounting for the currency change--even when accounting that I was playing with worthless, colored paper.

Spot the Differences

Before I arrived in Spain, I expected it to be stuck in the 19th century (Europeans planted it in my head and I was gullible). This expectation quickly disappeared when I tried to turn on the TV and failed. I didn't have a problem with the language, I had a problem with the technology because it was the same digital cable trash that we have in the US. There was an extra user-unfriendly remote control and a million channels of non-sense. At this moment of frustration and helplessness, I heard modern Spain laughing at me and my learning experience began. Our worlds aren't as different as I had thought it would be.

Who's hot and who's not

Hollywood stars and fashionistas predict what the trends in the US, which eventually trickles down to the rest of the world. In Spain, soccer/football players dictate men's hairstyles. Rather, the football players' hairstylists dictate the country's hairstyle. These athletes have hairstylists (and probably pocket mirrors).

Take note of the 2010 World Cup winners and how they have perfectly-styled, spiky hair. Whoever introduced hair gel to Spain must be disgustingly rich now because even after a game, one can have pretty hair.

Mr. USA is less popular than Miss USA, but let's not compare that to Spain--Mr. Espana is very important.

Sanitation

In the US, we have dumpsters and separate receptacles for recycling. In some instances, if you don't recycle and are caught, you are given a fine and made to feel guilty.

I was floored when I saw that Spanish dumpsters have foot levers so that you don't have to lift heavy lids or anything. Incredible. You've seen small garbage cans with foot levels, but this is much larger. My friend explained that his people (Spanish people) are lazy and will use anything to make their lives easier. In Requena, a small town outside the city, there were trash cans that lead to a deep, underground collection receptacle for trucks to get to. Oh, technology! I was also surprised that they (more or less) recycle there. (NOTE: The photo above is not mine and I stole it. Apparently someone else found the dumpster amazing, too).

Stupid Movies

American movies, the good and the bad, are shown almost everywhere. People usually remember the stupid ones and create stereotypes based on that. Thank you, American Pie and EuroTrip-type movies for making it that much harder to explain what we're really like.

This was by far the worst movie I've ever seen. Ever ever ever. This is the Spanish equivalent of our stupid movie and it is just as bad. Yeah, I didn't catch some cultural jokes, but I understood the rest of the nonsense. I laughed so hard because it was such a terrible movie. I am not complaining that we spent 3.90 euros to see it or that I wasted some life watching it--I found the worst movie in the world.

SAME

It's just as silly there as it is in the US. No one is going to drive differently if they know there is a baby in the car. A bad driver is a bad driver (equally, a good driver is a good driver).

Want to lose weight?

When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you see something that you don't like? Even though this problem probably doesn't exist outside of your head, you probably want to change--especially with 2011 starting.

There's the Atkin's Diet, but Mr. Atkins himself is no longer on it. The South Beach Diet? Jenny Craig and WeightWatchers? Forget it! With MY diet, you don't have to count or pre-plan meals. What's the secret? Fear and harmful microbes! AMAZING! All you have to do? Travel.

Foreign gastronomy is one of the best introductions to a new culture. It can be uncomfortable to try things out of your norm, but it's a great experience and can make for future cocktail stories.

Russia

The harsh and cold Russian winter is no joke. At first, it may seem like you must consume a lot of hearty meat and potato dishes, but do not be fooled. Your body will require a lot of energy to keep your blood circulating (i.e. keep you from freezing to death) and will consume many calories. With the snow so high, transportation is slow and unreliable. The best way to travel is using your legs. The knee-deep snow that blocks all paths provide resistance. You will be exercising without realizing it (or wanting to, for that matter).

Not there in the winter? Not a problem. If you see how meat is sold, fear will be your best friend and you will probably avoid eating anything that was once alive. Russian summers are unbelievably hot and the heat will burn the calories for your body.

Expect to lose 8 lbs in 10 months without trying.

Spain

Consider this diet option as a "cleansing" or "detox" diet.

Upon arrival, drink water from the tap. There's a high chance that your body isn't accustomed to the flora in their water supply. The discomfort only lasts a few days after a night of intestinal explosion. Afterwards, only drink alcoholic beverages such as beer or wine to avoid further contact with waterborne microbes.

Once feeling healthy, eat your heart out. Cities are very pedestrian-friendly and it is pleasant to stroll around. From the gastrointestinal disaster and amount of walking you will do, you are sure to lose weight while still enjoying all the food.

Expect to lose 3 lbs in 1 month.

Thailand

Don't drink bottled water and eat som tam salad at an open market.

Expect to spend 2 weeks on a bathroom floor hovering over a toilet. Results may vary. Warning: risk of death.

***If the information above is not what you're looking for because you need to gain weight, then consider traveling to Argentina.

Argentina

There's no better way to beef up (pun intended) than to chow down on their cattle. Eat everything in sight and every part of animal that is given to you. Don't ask questions about what part of the animal it is because you may lose your appetite and this program will fail. Just eat, eat, eat because everything is delicious.

Order ice cream at least every other day from a local vendor. The ice cream there is heavenly and makes you a better person.

When you're full? Take a siesta. Reward yourself with all that hard work of eating and just take a nap. You don't want to walk around during siesta anyway, there are bikers waiting to rob you outside.

Expect to gain 7 lbs and a rounder face within 6 months.

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Note: The diet regimen has not been scientifically proven nor are there any studies. As a training epidemiologist, if you find funding, I can try and put something together to give this program credibility.

Results will vary. I am not liable for any outcomes related to the above diets if you wish to try them.

Made in China

Even things Made in China originated in Spain. Everything with importance came from Spain.

About 30 minutes ago, Diego and his brother, Pablo, began throwing trivial facts about their heritage at me. I am (note the current tense denoting that this is continuing) an innocent bystander taking painful bullets of Spanish pride. Just kidding. The only thing that's painful is the cramp in my side I have from my laughing so hard.

Quoting the two of them:

-Why is it 'Florida' and not "flower?"

-Why is "Sacramento" not "sacrament?"

-Why is "San Francisco" not "Saint Francis?"

-"Colorado?" Hah. It doesn't get more Spanish than that.

-Martin Sheen is really an "Estevéz" and his brother Charlie is "Carlos," of course.

-Rita Hayword was born Margarita.

-The first people to land on America (Florida and Alaska) were Spanish. They just sold it.

-ChupaChups are from Spain and some designwork was done by the famous Dalí.

-Did you ever realize that in all world maps, Spain is in the center of the world? Morocco is, too, but nobody cares.

The following list is what I've learned myself.

The best _____ come from Spain:

-wine and cava ("It's

-oranges (Valencian)

-ceramic (Lladró is Valencian)

-musicians (Rodrigo is also from Valencia)

-walnuts (Diego's grandma says that California's walnuts can't even compare)

-shoes (e.g. Campo. I'll actually agree with this one)

-furniture (never forget that Italians buy the structure from Valencia and upholster it themselves and sell it as their own. Bastards!)

-olive oil

-ham and other meats that I can't import legally into the States

Also, don't forget the soccer team. They won the 2010 World Cup when I was in Russia. I'm grateful that there were only 2 Spaniards in the city at the time, otherwise I would have shot myself in the funny bone. I'm tired of Iniesta; the fact that I remember his name sickens me.

This is real.

No snow here

The first view of Valencia was from a bus, through my sleepy and crusty eyes. I woke up to a sunny city with palm trees and orange trees on the sidewalk. I remember angrily growling at Diego with sweet morning breath, "You are so stupid to live in Samara instead of here." (I don't mean to offend anyone from Samara. I still like it there and will soon return, but not to live.)

In Valencia, they had a river named Turia. This river was bad and made a flood that killed many people in 1957. As punishment, they had it drained and made a park out of it. Orange trees like this are in abundance and line the streets. Don't eat the oranges as they are bitter. Actually, be careful of what you eat unless you have someone to care for you when you're helplessly vomiting on yourself.

A view of the city from a very old, 14th century tower.

I'm not used to being surrounded by buildings, sculptures, or anything that are so old. In Russia, things just looked old. There's nothing in the US that is comparable to this. I don't think we even have ghosts that are that old.

Barely in Barcelona

I went to Barcelona because it was cheaper than flying to Madrid. I studied in Argentina because I wrote "Mendoza" on the line above "Santiago, Chile." This same logic landed me in Russia.

I was content with visiting Barcelona. On the contrary, my Valencian co-traveler was a little bitter.

Diego: Sorry. We are not spending any money here or supporting Barcelona's economy in any way.

Me: Why do we not like Barcelona?

Diego: Because they are (insert translation of explicit Spanish word) Catalonian.

Me: (Rolling my eyes and not my r's)

We spent a couple days in Barcelona. I was able to go sightseeing like I wanted, so I was happy. Diego was happy because I was happy going to parks and walking around (read: free activities).

There aren't many photos of the city because I mainly saw it in the evening. My sleeping schedule was thrown off due to exhaustion from jet lag and a difficult fall semester. Also, being a vampire is a trendy thing now, so it's cooler to walk around at night.

San Francisco's hills do not compare to the giant hill leading to Park Guell. I laughed when I saw outdoor escalators. I stopped laughing because I ran out of breath while climbing it.

A previous post from Moscow showed pictures of inscribed padlocks. Why buy padlocks when you can carve your names on cacti? Poor cacti.

I was perfectly comfortable walking around Park Guell even though it was raining. Why? Because there was a snow storm back home in the US at this time and I was not there.

Some points of interest that shouldn't be missed in Barcelona are the buildings designed by Antonio Gaudí. Watch this documentary that solely focuses on these buildings if you won't be able to come here soon, or if you're too lazy to walk around. They do the walking for you and you can do the looking.

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Coming from New York, I wasn't surprised to hear Spanish speakers all around me. Sure, the accent is distinct, but the language was no different than what I hear back home. What did shock me was that all of the signs were in Catalan, not Spanish. I stand by what I said before, Montreal was a bigger cultural shock for me.